If We Sleep Together
by fangirl1981
Summary: MST3K fic. Mike and Joel decide to try some slashy fun. It doesn't go so well.


**Title: **If We Sleep Together

**Pairing:** Joel/Mike (sort of)

**Rating: **PG

**Summary: **Joel and Mike decide to have sex. It doesn't go so well.

**Spoilers/Warnings:** None

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters. Don't sue me, I'm broke.

**Author's Notes: **This would have to be an AU story. Imagine that instead of Joel escaping and Mike replacing him, the Mads just sent Mike up there with Joel. Why? I don't know, they just did.

jackiesjunkie used her mad beta skills to make this readable.

* * *

Inside a satellite floating somewhere in space there sat two men. One was blond and wearing a blue jumpsuit and sitting next to him on a comfy looking white couch was a man with brown hair and sleepy eyes wearing a red jumpsuit. The two of them were conversing about the unpleasantness of being trapped in space by a mad scientist and his dimwitted assistant.

The blond man, who was known by the name of Mike, said, "You know what I really miss? Sex."

The dark haired man called Joel, agreed. "Yes! That's the worst part of being trapped in space, the not having sex part."

"It's kind of like being in prison."

"Except apparently guys in prison just settle for sex with other guys."

"Even though they're not gay," Mike pointed out.

"Apparently it's not gay if you have no other options," Joel replied.

"Maybe we should try that."

"You think?" Joel asked. "I'd never really considered it before."

"Me either but desperate times..."

"What exactly would we do?" Joel asked.

"Well, someone would be on top and someone would have to uh..." Mike trailed off.

Joel supplied, "Be the girl."

"Which of us would uh have to do that?" Mike asked.

"I'm not sure. I guess we should figure that out first."

"How about rock, paper, scissors? Loser is bottom?"

"Okay," Joel agreed.

Both men chanted, "1, 2, 3, shoot."

Mike chose rock but alas he was defeated by Joel's paper.

"Darn," Mike said.

"I guess we should get started huh?" Joel suggested.

"I don't know if I'm ready to just jump right in."

"We could try working up to it. Maybe try kissing first."

"Do guys in prison kiss?" Mike asked.

"Those guys on Oz did," Joel pointed out.

"Okay, I guess we should try that then."

"It would be you know, for arousal purposes," Joel added.

"It shouldn't take too much. It's been so long I can get turned on by looking at linoleum," Mike replied.

The two men squeezed their eyes shut, puckered their lips and pressed them against the others in a pathetic attempt at a kiss. Mike pulled back and shook his head. Turning his head to a better angle he tried again. This kiss was much better.

"So how was that?" Joel asked.

"Well, it was better than looking at linoleum."

The two men went back to kissing. Joel tried to run his fingers through Mike's hair but Mike really didn't have much hair so Joel just ended up rubbing his head much like you would a cat. Mike placed his hands on Joel's shoulders and pulled him in closer.

Joel ended the kiss and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Maybe we should lie down now?" he suggested.

"Alright," Mike agreed.

The two tried to lie down together and after a minute of fumbling and jabbing each other with elbows and knees, Mike was on his back with Joel lying on top of him.

"So are you turned on yet?" Joel mumbled into Mike's neck.

Speaking around Joel's hair in his mouth, Mike said, "Not really."

"This just really isn't working is it?" Joel asked.

"Doesn't seem to be."

Sitting up, Joel said, "Not that you're not an attractive guy."

Mike quickly said, "Oh, you too, man."

"But I guess I just like women."

"Me too. I can't seem to get past the whole guy thing."

Joel nodded his head in agreement. "But if I liked guys you'd definitely be my first choice."

Mike replied, "Oh yeah me too, I would be lucky to have a guy like you if I were you know..."

"Uh huh. But we're not," Joel said defeated.

"Apparently we aren't."

Standing up Joel said, "Yeah so uh, I guess we'll just be friends without benefits then."

Sitting up and running his hands over his jumpsuit to smooth out the wrinkles, Mike said, "Sounds good."

"And we can pretend this never happened."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
